Toddlers get a bad rap. Their lives are tumultuous and filled with people who just don’t understand that they need their sandwiches cut into perfect triangles that don’t touch each other under any circumstances. And the juice should be in the blue cup…I mean the red cup…no, it’s actually the blue. Life is hard for these little dictators because sometimes they need to feel the satisfying crunch of a thousand Cheerios under their feet and most people are trying to take this away from them.
Of course, they feel angry. Who wouldn’t?
Here are some other reasons why toddlers are probably so angry all of the time:
1. They fall down a lot.
Have you ever seen how often those little shorties bite the big one? I don’t know any official numbers, but it’s often. I’d be pissed too if I was falling down all day long on legs that just weren’t working properly.
2. Moms don’t get shit right.
It’s not that hard, really. Moms should be able to figure out that clothes are painful to toddlers extremities, and that if your toddler wants to get into the car all by themselves, well then, the world will just need to wait.
3. There is literal crap in their pants.
And potty training is for losers.
4. Nobody understands what they are saying.
Words are hard, and sometimes screaming just feels right.
5. Everybody is trying to ‘change’ them.
If they have made a self-commitment to cry hysterically each time they don’t get to push the door button at the library, who are you to try and take this from them?
6. Nobody takes their problems seriously.
They don’t want your “help” while putting on their shoes; they just want one thousand years to get it right. Chill out.
7. Pants are the true oppressor of our great nation, and nobody seems to get this.
Toddlers get it. Legs are meant to feel all the changes of the seasons.
8. Time-outs are like jail for innocent people.
Toddlers are ruled by instinct, and their instincts tell them to say, “No!” in a very loud voice when asked most things.
9. Everyone is always suggesting a nap.
They don’t need a nap; they just need someone to let them paint their body with syrup like God intended.
10. It’s like nobody has ever seen someone want to be naked in Target before.
Toddlers are innovators, and they predict that nudity is going to be the next trending topic.
11. It’s always, ‘hold my hand,’ ‘don’t run in the street,’ ‘don’t eat batteries,’ ‘don’t lick the cat.’
These things bring them joy. You don’t know that toddler’s life, lady.
12. They understand that the choices you are offering
them are complete bullshit.
Oh, really. They get to choose between taking a nap now or taking a nap in five minutes? They know a con when they see one.
13. There’s a never-ending list of things they need to do, and people keep jacking their shit up.
Jacking shit up — every toddler’s mom should wear a shirt that says this.
14. They haven’t known you for very long, so they need to see how long it takes for you to blow.
It’s like a long scientific experiment titled, “How fast can I make these people taking care of me lose their minds?” Their hypothesis is “very soon.”
15. Tantrums are great stress relievers.
It’s better than meditation and/or exercise according to some toddler experts.
So, next time you see a toddler losing his behavior at the grocery store, the playground, the pool, the library, the restaurant, or your own home, remember that they are just trying to live their most authentic life. Instead of trying to escape their wailing, you should really stay and watch and applaud their efforts. And give them candy.